When I started my blog, my intent was not to make it about getting healthy. I had been observing that there were defining life experiences that had become touchstones-golden threads interwoven into the fabric of me. Approaching fifty, I thought it time to maybe write about them as they came up, mostly just for me, for reflection. But at the time, it just so happened I was in the throes of a food revolution.
And so I wrote about it.
And I felt GOOD about it.
And I wanted everyone I knew to DO IT WITH ME!
And I marveled at how SURE I was I’d NEVER have a chemical packet of artificial sweetener or a diet soda EVER AGAIN!
And I was HAPPY about it.
And so CONFIDENT!
I started losing interest.
And I couldn’t quite bounce back from Thanksgiving.
My treads no longer followed the path to Whole Foods or my yoga studio. Rudi’s turned into Ronzoni. And my blog went by the wayside along with my healthy lifestyle. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to write about falling off the wagon. In fact if ever there was a time to write, the struggle-time is the most fruitful time! No, it was just a lethargy that took over. A ho-humedness, especially to those activities that interfered with being warm and cozy and caving and eating comfort food.
I do believe this is the power of sugar, sugar.
With that said, this hibernation hasn’t been a totally gluttonous episode. Though I haven’t been shedding pounds, I have been shedding in other areas: namely the stuff of my life that’s been accumulating for 10+ years.
My husband and I have decided it’s time to move out of this house that’s too big for us. It’s time to get out from under our debt, from our accumulations, and from a living situation that is no longer meeting our needs. This is not easy for me. I am a very attached person. In fact, I believe one of the most important things I must do in this life is become more naturally detached. I don’t mean detached in an indifferent way, but in a loving and mindful way.
In order to do this, I must make my way through the artifacts of my past. I am being tested. For example, what to do with the contents of the box that holds the last remaining items of my father’s life, one that ended over six years ago? His dentures, a few pairs of jeans, a hairdryer, prescriptions, glasses…I wonder, how I can possibly let them go? Then I ‘remember.’ I do not need to cling to these items in order to be connected to him, to feel the love of my dad. My heart’s got it. No need for the physical manifestations of his life.
And so I sort the contents of the box into their respective ‘donate, sell and toss’ piles, with mindfulness and gratitude and love. And move on to the next dig.
Today the clocks moved ahead.
The earth is waking up, even though the dirt is still frozen and blanketed by snow.
I’m waking up, too.
Even though I haven’t been in my produce drawer in quite some time, I have been in my closets, unearthing some treasures and shedding some baggage. I remember that I am powerful and have the ability to craft my life the way I want it to be. I’m turning 50 and I can do anything I want. I can make it happen. I quite like making it happen.
So here’s to manifesting.
Or as a friend coined the term,
“I’m turning 50 and I can do anything I want” Truer words were never spoken.
I actually came back to reread this post because, for several reasons, it has stayed with me. I, too, have struggled with lightening my load, as well as with the emotional attacment that can be part of that load. But regarding your father, I instantly remembered some dialogue from the old TV series, Kung Fu (not Kung Fu Panda) :). For some reason, these words helped me, and perhaps, you, too, may find meaning in them:
” Season 1 Episode #15 – The Ancient Warrior
Caine: Master, what is the best way to meet the loss of one we love?
Master Kan: By knowing that when we truly love it is never lost. It is only after death that the depth of the bond is truly felt and our loved one becomes more a part of us than was possible in life.
Caine: Are we only able to feel this toward those whom we have known and loved a long time?
Master Kan: Sometimes a stranger known to us for moments can spark our souls to kinship for eternity.
Caine: How can strangers take on such importance to our souls?
Master Kan: Because our soul does not keep time; it merely records growth.”
“…our soul does not keep time; it merely records growth.”
Such a beautiful sentiment. Feels true and right to me. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. I will remember it always ~and do some thinking on it.
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Amanda, I love your statement about turning 50…”I can do anything I want. I’m on that journey, too. Starting to feel empowered. Thanks for sharing.
This year it has really started to feel like I’m getting some time back. My teen is off and running and I’ve been feeling freer than ever. Good time for some good thinking. Hope the same for you!